I can’t even explain what I feel is a revolution that’s happened in my life this past year. Last Spring (a year ago Spring), I began having some health issues that caused pain a lot of the time (mainly ovarian cysts), and I can honestly say it caused a disruption in what felt like my norm. I went to several doctors about different things, and it really caused me to look at my life in more depth. You think more deeply when you get sick, I believe that’s a fact. I believe the Holy Spirit, began to lead me on a new spiritual journey. I have listened to more sermons than I ever have in my whole life… I began to take notes… I began to post notes on my wall… I actually had a hunger and craving to learn more about how to better live my life in the way that God INTENDED me to. I believe so many people don’t live as God intends them to, and I can only imagine how sad that is for Him. I feel I mess up SO much of the time (and I can envision God doing an eye-roll practically every day with me), but I feel I have so much of a better foundation in the past year than I have literally my whole life… and it’s NOT for a lack of spiritual guidance. I have so many precious people in my life that have influenced me and guided me spiritually, but it’s ultimately US that has to take away from what they give us. It’s almost as if I’ve been half-awake until now, spiritually speaking. I have loved the Lord from childhood. I remember talking to Him and always envisioning Him with me. From a young child, I have felt His presence. But it’s in this last year I feel my eyes have opened up to make so much more sense of it all. It only took me over 30 years, ha ha.
I face anxiety and worry most of the time. I fight it on a regular basis. I have panic attacks sometimes… I feel like running out of a crowded room… but not last week. This was the first time in – well probably since high school – that I felt comfortable in my weaker areas. God helped me face such big challenges, and I wasn’t nervous. I wasn’t scared. I feel like I felt Him the closest I ever have recently. He has opened new doors for me that weren’t possible, but WERE with Him ONLY.
I titled this Staying Strong when I’m Feeling Weak. It is such a positive of growth I feel I’ve made in my spiritual journey, but alongside that I’ve also had an overwhelming weakness at times lately. So much so that I have struggled in doing what I love most outside of my family. If you know me well, then you know that’s photography. Not in shooting in general, but in balancing both of my jobs that I’ve felt like quitting at times, just so I can feel a healthy balance. I am not quitting, nor do I truly want to quit, but it’s just a weight on me sometimes when I’m overtired and overwhelmed. I have felt more tired than I’ve ever felt in my life, honestly. I slept THIRTEEN hours the other night. 13, people. 😉 I’m only saying all this to say that I’m still struggling… and I always hope to struggle with something in my life. Why? Because I’ll never stop needing Him to help me overcome it. I love Him so much. He keeps me strong when I’m feeling weak. I can do ALL things through Christ which strengthens me. It’s meaningless… Unless you BELIEVE IT!!!