Passings…

Why do some of the best things that happen to us in life disappear sometimes?  Sometimes I sit and ponder that question.  I sit and ponder about great people who used to be in my life that have since drifted off (for whatever reasons).  I ache sometimes because I miss the time that was.  Do you ever miss what you had?  I know we’re not to dwell on things that have passed.  Sometimes God does some removing on his own in our lives… for the better.  That has happened to me.  I hurt for years over some things… yet I still knew it was right… But my heart just couldn’t catch up with my mind.  I feel now I am caught up (for the most part)… until this week, when I began to think of other things that were in my life after high school… during college… after that… and then weren’t.  It felt like a death when they were gone.

Today in my mind I time-traveled to a part of my past.  I traveled to a time when I was out of school… I traveled with my Dad on the road… I got to see amazing places and amazing people… (and even spend the night at amazing people’s places)… and I can’t tell you how much I ACHE that it’s gone.  I wouldn’t trade the world for being married and having my precious son… but I wish I could have one day… to go back in time… to be in the van in the middle of the dessert with Dad and Haley… driving to California… or taking a train from Switzerland to France… or selling merch at Dad’s concerts in Germany (not knowing a lick of the language)… I crave that time again.  I’m 36, but I feel so old these days.  I sound older (this is the hardest part for me)… and I’m the age of my students’ parents (still can’t get over that high school kids could be MY kids!)… and as Unvain as I am, I sadden to think that the young, spirited Holli feels gone.  But then I think, we’re only as old as we feel, right?  Maybe she’s not gone… maybe she’s just a bit lost.  And you know what’s funny?  As soon as I go to another one of Dad’s concerts… go back to the merchandise table to sell afterwards… speak with the people… I feel like I’m BACK!  Like no time has passed.

Cher’s famous line comes to mind… “If I could Turn back Time.”  You know, I WOULD!  We should always move forward, but sometimes I do wish I could turn back time… and revisit my childhood in sunny Florida when Dad pastored a church and he and Ma always took us out to eat, to rent movies, skating… I want to feel the breath of childhood inside me again.

Yes, some things have passed that I ache to have back.  But in place of those, God has given me new things to love… new people to love… new blessings each and every day.  I get a little off track sometimes (don’t we all?), but He’s always there to pick me up again.

I pray you all have a blessed weekend.  Maybe don’t dwell so much on the past… but reminisce.  Reminisce to a time you Loved and for that one moment… feel it all over again.

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